Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
