Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Randomize
