god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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