His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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