A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
