Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize