Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
