i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
