well I can't set my house on fire every night
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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