I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
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I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
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You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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