If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
