i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
