Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize