I am full of burrito and curiosity
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
