I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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