He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
