There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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