It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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