i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
