When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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