I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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