I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
