I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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