in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
