well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
