Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
