i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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