I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
