dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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