Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize