Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
