Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
