I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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