Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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