I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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