some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
