I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
