When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
