and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
