Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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