There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
