It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
