I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
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Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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