Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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