I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
