Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
