You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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