Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
