ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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