she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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