Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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