I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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