he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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